I know why I'm like this, so why am I still stuck?

Understanding why you do something doesn’t always change it, because insight happens in your thinking, and many of the patterns that keep you stuck can feel automatic. They’re often driven by how your nervous system responds. It’s very unlikely to be a lack of willpower. Working with your body as well as your mind can help.

You can explain it. You know where it started, and maybe you've read the books, listened to the podcasts or spent years in therapy talking it through. You could probably describe your patterns better than anyone.

And yet, when the moment comes, you still react in the same way. You still say yes when you mean no. You still go quiet in an argument. You still feel your chest tighten when a certain name appears on your phone.

‘I know exactly why I do this. So why can't I stop?’

If that sounds familiar, you're not doing anything wrong. Understanding a pattern and changing how your body responds are often two different things.

Why doesn't understanding a pattern change it?

Insight happens in your thinking. Many of the patterns that keep you stuck can feel automatic, as if they happen before you’ve had time to think.

When something feels threatening, even slightly, your nervous system can respond before you've had time to reason it through. Your heart might speed up, your muscles might tense, or you might suddenly feel flat and far away. By the time your thinking catches up, the response is already under way.

Many of these responses made sense once. Keeping quiet might have kept the peace. Pleasing people might have kept you safe or loved. Shutting down might have been the only option when something felt like too much.

Your understanding can be completely up to date. Your body may still be working from older information.

What does ‘stuck’ feel like in your body?

It's different for everyone, but you might notice:

• Going blank or freezing when you need to speak up
• Agreeing to things before you've had a chance to think
• A rush of panic or dread that feels out of proportion
• Feeling heavy, tired or switched off when you try to do something that matters to you
• Knowing what you want to say, but not being able to get the words out

None of these are signs of weakness – they're signs of a nervous system doing its best to protect you.

Is it a lack of willpower?

It's very unlikely. If willpower were enough, you'd probably have changed this already. You've clearly put time and effort into understanding yourself.

Telling yourself to ‘just stop it’ often adds another layer of pressure, and pressure is exactly what your nervous system is already reacting to. Frustration and self-criticism can keep the cycle going.

A more useful question might be: ‘What is my body trying to protect me from right now?’

What can help when insight isn't enough?

Change often starts with noticing what happens in your body, not just what happens in your head. A few things you could experiment with:

Notice the first signal

Next time the pattern shows up, see if you can catch what happens in your body first. A tight throat? A drop in your stomach? Your shoulders lifting? You don't need to change it yet. Just notice.

Slow your breath out

Some people find that a long, gentle out-breath helps them feel steadier and pause. There's more on this in the vagus nerve and feeling safe in your body.

Look around the room

Let your eyes move slowly and settle on a few things you can see. This can help bring you back to the present when you feel pulled into an old reaction.

Buy yourself time

‘Let me get back to you’ is a complete sentence. It gives your thinking a chance to catch up with your body.

These won't undo a long-standing pattern overnight. But they can start to build a little space between what you feel and what you do.

How can somatic coaching help?

Somatic coaching works with your body as well as your thoughts and emotions. Instead of only talking about a pattern, we notice how it shows up for you in the moment: the tension, the urge to please, the wish to disappear.

We go at a pace that feels manageable. Over time, the aim is to help your nervous system feel safe enough to respond differently, so the changes you understand in your head start to feel possible in real life.

Sessions are online, so you can work with me from home, wherever you are. You can read more about online somatic coaching.

How is Brainspotting different from talking about it?

Brainspotting uses where you look to help you process difficult emotions, memories and body sensations. You bring something to mind, notice how it feels in your body, and we find an eye position that connects with that feeling.

You don't need to go over everything that happened in detail. Many people come to Brainspotting after talking therapy has helped them understand their story, but hasn't shifted how they feel. I'm trained to Phase 3, and you can read more about online Brainspotting.

When to seek additional support

Coaching can sit alongside healthcare, but it doesn't replace assessment or treatment. If you're struggling to cope, have been feeling low for a while, or have had a diagnosis of a mental health condition, speak to your GP or a mental health professional.

If you’re in the UK and feel you can't keep yourself safe, contact Samaritans any time on 116 123, or text SHOUT to 85258. In England, you can also call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option. In an emergency, call 999. If you’re elsewhere, contact your local emergency services.

A place to start

If you understand your patterns but still feel stuck in them, you don't have to keep trying to think your way out.

I offer somatic coaching and Brainspotting online. Book a free discovery call to talk about what's keeping you stuck and whether my approach feels right for you.

Related support: Online somatic coaching · Online Brainspotting · Free resources

Quick answers

This article is for general information. Coaching is not a substitute for therapy or medical care. If you’re in the UK and need urgent help, call 999, NHS 111 (option 2) or Samaritans on 116 123. If you’re elsewhere, contact your local emergency services.